Today marks 12 years since Toni Left us.
I woke up with a very heavy heart - which amazes me - because there is that empty space feeling within my heart like there is something missing. That something has been missing for the past 12 years.
Somehow I thought that this feeling would be gone by now. That this year it would not be as bad. But it seems to be worse this year. I am sitting there and the next minute there are tears running down my face.
I though I could get through the day at work, but i'm finding myself constantly in tears.
I miss my Toni so much - the pain inside me is so intense, it hurts. I dont want to be stuck at work. I want to be at home, with my husband. I want to be able to go to him, and have him wrap his arms around me. I want him to tell me its all going to be okay, even though I know it will never be okay.
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My heart aches for you, Lea. I hate that you were at work. It's funny isn't it (not ha-ha funny), how the pain hits us when we're not expecting it. You thought you'd be ok to work. You think that because it's been 12 years, it might be easier to get through. It reminds me of the comment, "With time, the pain will go away". But I remember feeling that with every day, Aliyra was further away from me hence making it MORE painful. Then there is the expectation from other people who think that BECAUSE it has been 12 years (in your case), you should be "over it" by now. They just don't realise how wrong they are. You might not experience that from people but that what I have experienced & for me, it will only have been 4 years!
ANYWAY, I wish you weren't stuck at work on this day. I wish you were with loved ones who understand your tears, your pain & will love you through it. I wish I were there too.
Thank you for sharing your heart Lea. You're so precious xxxxxxxxxx
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