Looking forward

I have spent the last few weeks reading the blogs of a few people I have met through Toni's death. Mainly the blog of a dear friend Danielle, who seams to be able to put her thoughts into words that were meant to be read. What I mean is that the way she writes, she should put it all into print and sell books, she has such a way with words.
My heart breaks that you have to go through this Danielle, but there is a time when the constant pain in your heart and mind gets bearable.
Thinking of you Honey
XOX

I have also spent the last few weeks reflecting,

Reflecting on the past 10 years,

Hamish and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last month. And it had me thinking, of all the changes we have faced in the past 10 years. And I am not talking just about losing half of our hearts when Toni died. Which I think had such a big influence on a lot that has happened since but not entirely.

For instance, 10 years ago, we had 2 beautiful sweet girls, now we have a boy which is so much difference to raising girls, For some reason boys (or is it just our boy?) seems to have so much aggression, and also energy that my girls didn't.


My best friend and big sister Nikki, I love her with all my heart, and can not begin to imagine life without her. She is my rock, she is the keeper of my secrets and the holder of the key to my locked up feelings. I can talk to her about anything.

I don't know that 10 years ago I would have said that! 10 years ago I would probably have said that Kelly and Heidi were my best friends and I could tll them everything. Now I havent seen these 2 for probibly 8 years. I saws Kelly in rockmans one day but she had never made any contact with me since then. (I didnt have any details to contact her)

I came across her number at work the other day, and jotted it down thinking I would give her a ring, "Catch -up". but it has stayed in my handbag, because I just dont know what to expect. A long time has passed and we have changed so much ourselves....


My best friend Katrina, has two great boys and the most georgous little girl. I also feel that we are drifting apart. Our lives seem to be going in different directions. We met at play group when
Stephanie and Issac were babies. But know my kids are all at school and Kat still has 2 little ones at home. Steff and Isaac go to different schools. And I am know working so we just dont get to catch up anymore.

Katrina has been my best friend for so long, the thought of us heading down different paths, due only to different circumstances, and routines is scary,. It seams, every c lose friend I have had, has been with me for a few years and have gone off and done their own thing .

Maybe this is just the course of life?

That family will always be there because they are family, but friends only last until they are no longer needed, that they only last for as long as the circumstances allows??

Maybe I am just getting old!

This week will be my 34th birthday. Maybe when you get to this age wisdom sets in and you begin to see things differently!

Well thats all the ramblings I can fit in for a day!

It has been a while since I posted so I dont want you to think I have gone all philosophic on you all!!

(wow that hurt! that was a big word and I didnt even have spellcheck pop up!)

I will leave you with this poem.

"TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND
TOMORROW"

~Author Unknown~

I never thought I could
go on living when you died,
but....I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you,
but....I did.

I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months,
but....I did.

I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your
death, but....I did.

I never thought I would let myself love again,
but....I did.

I never thought tomorrow would be different,
but...it was.

I never thought I would stop crying for you,
but....I have.

I never thought that I would ever sing again,
but....I have.

I never thought the pain would "soften",
but....it has.

I never thought I would care if the sun shone again,
but....I do.

I never thought I would ever entertain again,
but....I have.

I never thought I would be able to control my grief,
but....I can.

I never thought that I could function without medication again,
but....I can.

I never thought I'd smile again,
but....I do

I never thought I would laugh out loud again,
but....I do.

I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow,
but....I do.

I never thought I'd reconcile your death,
but....I have.

I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal",
but....I have.

I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died,
but....I do.

Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily,
With a smile on my face....and tears in my heart.

Thanks for dropping by guys!

Let me know you have been too!